Jaki is 34 years old and from Grand Rapids, MI. This is her story in her words.
I began ttc for the third time in January of 2011. My 2nd son just had
his first birthday. I was tired chasing him, but eager to add to the
family. I didn't do much to try to get pregnant..just put my info in
the ovulation calculator on The Bump. To my surprise I found myself to
be pregnant just a few cycles in. I was around 5 weeks pregnant when I
tested. We were so happy..and Casey (my husband) was sure we were going
to add another little boy to the family. My husband and I both had
sons we brought into the marriage and then we had one together. I was
SURE this was a girl...but my husband convinced me otherwise so we
started calling the baby Nathan Jeremy 2 days after we found out.
Against my better judgement I posted a pregnancy announcement to
Facebook...I was just so excited..but the second I did..I felt weird.
As in had leery feeling..and regret for posting.
Things went along
normally as they usually did in early pregnancy. Around 7 weeks I felt
off. My heartburn had gone..my nausea was gone..I felt like I was going
to get my period. I decided to stay home from work on a Monday
morning..thinking I might just need to rest. I went to the bathroom and
I was spotting. I wasn't too concerned at this point..I had a SCH with
my last pregnancy, where I bled heavily for 2 weeks or so when I was 11
weeks. I called the Dr anyway..he said dont worry it was prob from the
placenta attaching or something. I thought I would just take a few
more days off work and put my feet up. Easier said than done with a 1
year old at home..and a husband that is out of town a lot.
My spotting
turned into bleeding and my brown blood turned red. I was feeling
really uneasy now..but played it off in my head that it was probably
another SCH. I ended up being off of work the week. I told my husband
when he got home that he was on Lucas duty so I could rest because I was not
feeling well. I didn't tell him everything that was going on. I went
to bed early that night..the next morning I felt better..my bleeding had
lessened quite a bit. But there was a nagging voice in my head to call
into the Dr. She said it wouldn't hurt to go into the Urgent Care...if
for nothing else to give me peace of mind.
I waited till my husband
and son left to go out by myself. I got there told the desk what was
going on got a bracelet and waited. They called me back after about 10
minutes. They asked about cramping and bleeding. I wasn't cramping and
just spotting a little..basically trying to convince this lady that I
probably had a SCH. She took me back for an Ultrasound. The tech tried
my belly first..but the baby was too small to see anything..so I would
have to have an internal.
The first thing she told me was that I was
pregnant. Then she finally got to the baby..I was 8 weeks and 1 day at
this point. I saw my beautiful baby on the screen...the tech was silent
and turned the screen away from me. I knew my baby was dead. At this
point there should have been a flicker of a heartbeat...and there was
nothing. I went through the rest of the ultrasound trying to convince
myself that I was overreacting that the baby WAS alive. I was taken
back to a room where I waited and waited. A Dr came in and said "there
was fetal demise, I am so sorry" I could not believe it..I was in a
fog..he was talking to me but I was not listening. I was just trying to
hold it together..he asked if I had questions and I said no..I just
wanted him to go. A nurse then came in and gave me a printout that had
MISCARRIAGE on huge black letters on the top..she too asked if I had
questions and I said no. I just couldn't cry this was a small place and
I am sure everyone there knew what was going on with me...so I hurried
and checked out.
I went out to my car and called my sister who had 2
losses that my baby had no heartbeat...I was hoping that she could help
me figure this out. She was sorry but didn't know what to say. I drove
to get cigarettes..that's all I could think of doing. I got back in
the car and called my Mom..she couldn't make me feel better either. I
was just sobbing..I probably should not have been driving. I made it
home and walked in and Casey asked me what what was wrong because I was
still crying...then a moment later, in a high squeaky voice he asked is
the baby ok? I just shook my head and he came to hug me. My little
boy Lucas was very concerned for me as well...came up to me and just
hugged me. This made me more of a wreck. When I finally calmed down I
just went to bed. I was starting to get crampy and I just didn't want to
deal with it. I slept most of the next day too.
When Monday came I
called my Dr to get an appointment. It ripped my heart out to explain
what had happened..they said they didn't need to see me. I just felt
adrift. All I had was that hand out...I had no idea what was going to
happen..the process no idea.
I just felt so alone. It turns out that I
was not..I found the Loss board on The Bump. There were women who had
and who were going through the same thing. That group got me through
the rest of my miscarriage..and gave me the strength and support to open
up to my family and friends about it. And some of the people I met
there, I am still friends with over a year and a half later. I dont
have anything from that pregnancy...I didn't have the presence of mind
to ask for an ultrasound picture and I regret that every day.
Her advice for others who have experienced miscarriage/pregnancy/infant loss?
I would
like other loss mamas to remember that their babies will always be with
them.
What does she want others who have never experienced miscarriage/pregnancy/infant loss to know?
And those who have never had a loss just to say sorry and give
support no one wants to hear it was God's plan and that type of thing.
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