My name is Jessica and I am 30 years old. This is the story of my third miscarriage in my own words. You can read about my first miscarriage here and about my second miscarriage here.
Some time after my last pregnancy and miscarriage I decided to start temping to see if I was ovulating - there was just a little concern that with one missing tube my body may not be acting as it should and I wanted to be sure that it was, or if it wasn't I wanted to fix it. Several months of temping lead me to believe that I was ovulating. When I had my annual exam with my OB/GYN I talked about it with her and she suggested I add ovulation detection tests - they look quite a bit like pregnancy tests but work a whole lot differently.
By May I was nearly a pro at this and knew when I should expect the little pee sticks to tell me I was ovulating and such. My period started on May 1 and then around May 10 I started with the ovulation sticks. On May 14 I had a very obvious - ovulation stick and on May 15 I had a very obvious +. Things were looking right on track. Being the slightly OCD person that I am, I always continued testing until things were - again. I got very, very dark and obvious + on May 15, 16 and 17 as well. I was shocked at how dark they were actually and asked some very amazing friends who are part of an Internet support group I joined on Facebook after my last loss what they thought. Someone suggested I take a pregnancy test because the test lines were so dark.
The pregnancy test was also +.
Knowing what I do about how the female body works with ovulation and everything, I knew that there was nearly no way possible to get a + pregnancy test just 17 days after my cycle had began. To my knowledge I hadn't even ovulated yet that month! I waited for my husband to get home and showed him the test right away. I don't think he really believed me at first, but eventually he came around.
The next day I woke up with no voice. My sister had to call the family doctor for me to get an appointment and she went with me to the appointment so she could talk for me. I had to tell my doctor about the positive pregnancy tests because they were going to give me antibiotics for the upper respiratory infection I had. That's how my sister found out I was pregnant. I told my parents the next day because they were going to start wondering about all the doctor appointments I was going to have to go to and such.
On Monday I called my OB/GYN to explain the situation. I was either 2/3 weeks pregnant or more like 6/7 weeks...and I had no insurance. We were between insurances. My doctor wouldn't see me without insurance and she wouldn't even order labs to confirm pregnancy and check my hormone levels. I was furious. I ended up calling the local health department and getting all set up there for my first appointment. I'd have to wait about 2 weeks, but really that was nothing.
I had started noticing some cramping in the meantime, but chalked it up to everything growing and stretching. The ladies I mentioned earlier did an amazing job of keeping me calm and helping me get through things. I started to notice that the cramps were on one side mostly - the left side - which concerned me a lot after my last experience with an ectopic. I chalked it up to the possibility of a cyst on my ovary, which isn't that uncommon during pregnancy especially in the first few weeks.
By Thursday I could just feel something was wrong. I don't even know that I could put it into words, but I just KNEW something wasn't right. The minute my mom got home that night, I told her I needed to go to the hospital. I insisted we eat dinner first, but she said no. Off to the ER we went.
I explained the whole deal about the ovulation sticks and when my last period was and everything that wasn't adding up in my head, along with the cramps. The doctor was great, but male. It's hard enough to explain some of this to women who don't understand their bodies. It's nearly impossible to explain to most males, even if they are doctors.
They ordered the usual bloodwork, ultrasound and a pelvic exam. The bloodwork confirmed pregnancy and they also saw a cyst/mass on the left side of my tube/ovary/they weren't sure exactly where. At some point i had also started bleeding. Based on my hormone levels and seeing nothing in my uterus they decided I must have been more in the 2/3 weeks along range. Based on my history of ectopic, the bleeding and the mass/cyst they decided to keep me at least overnight for observation.
A whole lot of questions/admission stuff and several hours later it was 10pm and I was finally in my own room. The OB/GYN on call came and talked to me and gave me an exam. SHE finally understood what I was trying to say about the ovulation sticks and my cycle and everything and agreed it was suspicious. They were going to do more bloodwork in the morning and give me pain meds.
My morning blood levels had gone down significantly and the doctor decided I must be having a natural miscarriage. They were going to keep me one more day because they wanted to do an ultrasound to check on the cyst/mass before they sent me home. It's worth mentioning that I had popcorn around 3pm Thursday afternoon and wasn't allowed to eat anything until Friday evening. I then couldn't eat after midnight in case they needed to do surgery - they had still not FOR SURE ruled out ectopic, just thought that a natural miscarriage was more likely and were taking precautions.
I came home late Saturday afternoon. My husband's birthday. We got him the Wendy's he wanted for his birthday dinner and then he promptly left to celebrate his birthday with his friends when we got home - leaving my parents to take care of me. I may as well have been left alone. I was sad. I was mad. I didn't understand why I was yet again having a miscarriage.
Monday was Memorial Day so I had to call on Tuesday to set up an appointment on Wednesday with the OB/GYN from the hospital - remember, my regular doctor wouldn't see me or even order bloodwork. I had to have bloodwork taken before my appointment so the doctor could make sure my hormone levels were lowering as they should.
I heard the doctor talking outside the door before she came into the room. It didn't sound good. Apparently my hormone levels had gone up! They had gone up higher than they had been on Thursday when I was in the ER. This was not good, especially given the drop of several hundred on Friday. She told me she was going to have the lab run it again because their margin of error was quite large and she wanted to be sure the numbers were right. I was told to go have lunch and come back in about an hour. Thankfully my mom was with me because I was also not allowed to be alone. The rising numbers had brought the ectopic threat back to the top of the list and if it was an ectopic and it happened to rupture, I needed to have someone with me.
An hour later I was back in the doctor's office. The lab had re-ran the bloodwork and my numbers came back even higher - from the same tube of blood as the first number that day. We now knew something was not right at all. An ultrasound was ordered STAT to check on the mass/cyst. Another couple of hours and an ultrasound later I was back in the doctor's office. The cyst/mass was now slightly bigger than it had been and the doctor was very concerned.
She explained that I was going to need surgery to figure out what was going on because she could no longer say it was any sort of normal pregnancy or natural miscarriage. Surgery was scheduled for 7am Thursday morning. I was allowed to eat/drink until midnight and I was not allowed to be alone at all.
The surgery went well. She was able to drain the cyst (it was in fact a cyst) and remove the ectopic pregnancy without having to take my tube. Yep, another ectopic. At least this time I got to keep my tube. She also discovered massive fibroids on my uterus. She was surprised to find them since they were so large and should have shown up on any/all of the ultrasounds. Instead of being able to do the surgery laproscopically, she ended up having to cut me open more. I now have a nice scar on my bikini line. I also had incisions where she tried to do things laproscopically but was unable to.
I was such a good patient and was getting around so well that I was able to go home after dinner the next day. Apparently healing quickly runs in the family. Things at home were harder, but I got through it with no pain meds. It took about 6 weeks for my hormone levels to return to less than 5 - which is what they consider "not pregnant." The weekly blood draws nearly killed me. I couldn't wait for them to be over.
It's now almost 6 months later and I've healed physically. I don't know that you ever really heal emotionally, you just learn how to cope differently. Writing all of this and sharing the stories of other Angel Mommies this month has helped a great deal. Now there's talk of testing to see if my left tube is open. Honestly, I'm not ready to know yet. On one hand, I want to know very much and on the other, I don't know how I will deal with the answer being no. Essentially one test will tell me if I am able to have my own children or not. I don't see IVF being an option now or in the future and if my tube is blocked and there would be no way to open it, or if opening it may lead to scar tissue or anything, IVF would be the only option.
My advice for others who have experienced miscarriage/pregnancy/infant loss?
Remember and realize you are not alone. Even though you may feel completely alone, you're not. There are many, many other women who share the same pain and have walked the same path. They are also amazing sources of inspiration, wisdom and support. If you don't know anyone personally who has experienced a loss or if they aren't able to be any of those things for you, the Internet is a wonderful place to find someone who can be. I started out on a message board and then migrated to a Facebook group. Not every place is right for everyone so it may take a little time to find somewhere that's right for you.
What do I want others who have never experienced miscarriage/pregnancy/infant loss to know?
A loss is a loss is a loss. While the loss of a grandparent is different from the loss of an aunt, which is different from the loss of a spouse and still different from the loss of a child, they are all valid losses and should be acknowledged as such. Few things feel worse for a woman who has gone through a miscarriage than feeling as though her baby never existed. Talk to her about it. If she seems hesitant or gets upset at first, try again another time. At the very least, acknowledge that she had a loss and sincerely tell her you're sorry.
