My Angel Mommy's Story - Part 2 - Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Month

My name is Jessica and I am 29 years old - I will be 30 on October 21. This is the story of my second miscarriage in my own words. You can read about my first miscarriage here.

At the end of November, 2009 I traveled several hours away to a wedding. The whole way there I was crampy and uncomfortable. I assumed it was just my period getting ready to start - I was bloated, really tired and just generally blah.

Fast forward a few days to the Monday after the wedding and I was cramping so much I could barely sit down. Once I was sitting I felt better, but the actual act of sitting down was painful and uncomfortable. I had to babysit for a 3-year-old that day and more than once I had to tell him that I just wasn't up to playing whatever it was he wanted to play. Moving was really starting to get difficult. Again, I just chalked it up to bad cramps and hoped that once my period started things would ease up in the pain department.

Monday night I woke up around 2 or 3 am because I had to pee. On my way back to bed, I made it to the kitchen before I started to feel dizzy, light headed and the tunnel vision started. I knew what that meant and immediately sat on the floor, put my head between my knees and called for my mom and dad to help. My mom got me an ice pack to put on the back of my neck and after a few minutes of sitting there I started to feel better. My dad helped me to the dining room so I could sit for a while.

While I was sitting at the table talking to my mom about nearly fainting, I noticed that my cramps were back. They hadn't felt so bad after I had been laying down or when I woke up. We talked a while longer and decided that in my sleep induced haze I must have been feeling my cramps and either been overwhelmed or confused by them and it probably sent me into a panic attack of sorts. I eventually went back to sleep, but on the couch in case it happened again.

By Tuesday night, I was still having pretty bad cramping and it had moved around into my back. I was convinced that maybe it wasn't just period coming cramps, but maybe I also had a UTI. Wednesday morning I called the doctor and was able to get in that evening. I convinced my then boyfriend, now husband, to go along with me - mostly because I hate driving the 25+ minutes to the doctor's office alone.

Of course one of the first questions they always ask is "Is there any possibility you're pregnant?" I told them that my period had been due the day before, so I was only a day late but I supposed it was possible. While they were running whatever in office test they run for a UTI they also ran a pregnancy test.

While I was waiting in the office for the doctor, I heard the nurse say "I don't think that's going to change any." I thought she was talking about the UTI test and just assumed it was positive. The doctor walked in and said "Well, you don't have a UTI," and I just gave him a strange look. The nurse had gone to get my boyfriend and he walked in to the doctor telling me I had a parasite and it would take about 9 months to get rid of it. He was joking - of course, but serious that it would take about 9 months for me to get rid of my ailments. I was pregnant...again. I asked him about all the cramping I'd been having and he said it sounded normal and that it may get worse as things went on from all the stretching and growing my body would have to do to accommodate a baby.

The first thing I did when I got to the car was call my mom. She was excited and told my dad right away too. Since I was spending the night at my boyfriends house that night, we told his parents too.  This time around we decided we would only tell our parents right away.

Fast forward to Friday night/Saturday morning. I was back at my house and had been sleeping on the couch since the near fainting episode earlier in the week. Once again I woke up to pee in the middle of the night and once again I started getting the tunnel vision and dizziness. My mom sat up with me, talking for a few hours. We talked about how this pregnancy felt very different from the last. At one point, I asked her "What if it's twins?" and a while later "What if it's in my tube?" She thought twins might be exciting and pretty much dismissed the idea that the pregnancy may be in my tube. She was right, I thought. Why would I even think it may be a possibility? I went back to sleep on the couch when I felt better.

I woke up again to go to the bathroom around 6am. The cramps were really getting bad and instead of a heating pad helping, an ice pack helped relieve the pain a bit. I laid on the couch with an ice pack for a while and then just decided it must be time to be up for the day. When I went to sit up before getting off the couch, I got dizzy and tunnel vision again. This time I was scared. I thought it must be my blood sugar or blood pressure. One must be really low or something - something I know can happen during pregnancy. I ate some Conchas - a sweet Mexican bread - and one of those mini orange things and drank some pop. Anything we could think of to get my blood sugar - we were convinced it was my blood sugar - back up.

Every time I tried to stand up I couldn't. The feeling of fainting was getting stronger and stronger. Eventually I told my mom that I thought I needed to go to the hospital. She called the hospital to see if they thought I should be seen and then we decided to call 911 for an ambulance.

By the time it arrived, I was very scared. It felt like I was going through a mix of low blood sugar and a bad panic attack. I was as much scared for my baby as I was for myself. My parents called my boyfriend to tell him that I was going to the hospital and once I was loaded into the ambulance they left to pick him up and head to the hospital to meet me.

This was the most uncomfortable ride I had ever experienced. They had problems starting an IV in the ambulance and it felt like they may as well have been driving down a dirt road to get to the hospital. I felt every.single.bump and it hurt like heck.

Once at the hospital they started with the usual tests - blood work, ultrasound and they had to insert a catheter in order to get a urine sample and also for the ultrasound. They would need to fill my bladder for me since they had just drained it for the urine sample. While the ultrasound tech was filling my bladder with whatever it is they use, I started feeling a lot of pain up under my right ribs. I was almost in tears and asked her to stop. She also took ultrasound pictures of where I told her I was having a lot of pain when she was filling my bladder.

An hour or so later the doctor walked in and told me they had figured out what was wrong. They had found two heartbeats in my right tube - the pregnancy was ectopic - the pregnancy was twins - and I was bleeding internally. I would need surgery right away and they had already called in the on call OB and a surgical team.

I didn't know what to think. Another pregnancy was going to be lost. I was pregnant with twins. I felt so sad - anger wasn't yet setting in. I was sad that once again I wasn't going to "be a mom" and my boyfriend wasn't going to "be a dad again."

Once the OB got there, things moved fairly quickly. As I laid in the hallway before going into the OR, everyone was giving me hugs and telling me they loved me. Everyone was crying. Somehow, I just laid there, hugging everyone and assuring them I would be ok. I don't know how I knew and I don't know why, but I had an overwhelming calm and I just KNEW I would be ok. And I was.

The surgery went as smoothly as it could have, but by the time they got in there my right tube had ruptured. There was no saving it - according to what others have told me the doctor said, my tube was completely shredded. I had also lost 4+ units of blood internally. I say 4+ because the doctor told my parents that he suctioned 4 units out of my abdomen but had to leave some and it would be reabsorbed by my body. So 4 units came out and some still stayed. That's a lot of blood. I could have died. When I felt better, I did some Googling and I think I remember reading that the human body usually has around 6 units of blood flowing through it at any given time. Of course that's just an estimate.

I got to go home the next day. I ended up having to take iron pills for about a month to help my body as it rebuilt its blood supply. It took about a month to be able to do anything productive for more than 10 or 15 minutes.

This miscarriage was so much harder than the first for so many reasons. It was twins. There were two. Instead of one loss, there were two. I had physical healing to do - incisions that needed to heal. I now have scars to remind me of the babies I lost. It's oddly comforting to have those scars. I have nothing from the first baby I lost.

I was angry with those who had told me I was young and could try again. I did try again. I failed again.I hate the term "miscarriage." It's not like I CHOSE for my babies to get stuck in my tube. I know now that it wasn't my fault but at the time I felt like my body had failed.

It took a long time for me to even be able to think about newborns and babies in general. Once is a fluke. Twice is bad luck. Third time's a charm?...Not really. I have a Part 3...

A few stats on miscarriage - Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Month

I saw this on Facebook so I don't know who to attribute it to. If you know, please tell me so I can provide proper attribution.

 When a lot of people think of October, they think of Breast Cancer Awareness Month. If you've been reading my blog at all this month, you also know that it's Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month as well. As breast cancer awareness is near and dear to the hearts of many, pregnancy and infant loss awareness is near and dear to mine and I feel there needs to be more information available for women about it. Women need to know about their bodies and what may happen to them, not as a scare tactic but so that they can then be aware.

It seems as though you can go to the doctor and get pamphlets and information sheets about just about everything a woman may experience in her lifetime - her first period, menopause, breast cancer, sexually transmitted diseases, getting pregnant, childbirth, the list goes on. I have seen a lot of doctors over the years and can honestly say that I've yet to see a pamphlet or info sheet about miscarriage, stillbirth, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy or any other type of pregnancy loss given proactively. I have only been given such information after miscarriage has been suspected or confirmed, never before. Maybe I've been going to the wrong doctors or looking in the wrong places and I applaud any doctor who makes such information available to his/her patients.

Maybe the lack of pamphlets, info sheets and information in general is because many women believe they'll never experience miscarriage/pregnancy loss. Maybe the lack of proactive information has to do with the fact that most, not even many, most, miscarriages can't be prevented, but you can certainly take steps to lower your risk of STDs and ease the transition of menopause.

The sad fact is that it is more likely you will experience some type of pregnancy loss than you will get breast cancer and women need to know this. I understand that pregnancy is supposed to be a happy time in a woman's life, but knowing the risks, signs, symptoms and having information does not have to take away from that happiness.

According to a National Cancer Institute fact sheet, "Based on rates from 2007-2009, 12.38% of women born today will be diagnosed with cancer of the breast at some time during their lifetime. This number can also be expressed as 1 in 8 women will be diagnosed with cancer of the breast during their lifetime."

Miscarriages - the loss of a pregnancy before 20 weeks gestation - on the other hand, are just as common, if not more so. According to the American Pregnancy Association, "For women in their childbearing years, the chances of having a miscarriage can range from 10-25%, and in most healthy women the average is about a 15-20% chance." This statistic does not reflect those who will experience a loss after 20 weeks gestation - also called a stillbirth.

That can be a startling statistic to read and comprehend fully. Read it again. About 1 in every 8 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer at some point in their lifetime. On average, 1 out of every 6 women will experience a miscarriage.

It can be hard to picture a statistic like that so here's a graphic I came up with to help out. See that circled lady in the lineup of other ladies in pink dresses? That's the equivalent of 1 in 8 getting breast cancer.

Now see this circled pink lady? She's the same as 1 in 6 experiencing a miscarriage.

It happens more than some would like to admit and the only way to take away the tabooness of the subject is to talk about it and get the information out.

Is it hard to talk about? Yes.

Can I talk about any of my miscarriages without getting misty eyed? Not really.

Does that mean I don't want to talk about them? Not at all. I would gladly share my stories 100 times over if it meant that just one woman out there didn't feel alone while she went through her miscarriage.

How can you help? If you're a female, read about it. Read the stories of women who have been kind enough to share. Read the statistics, signs, symptoms, treatments, etc. Not to scare yourself and not to cause unnecessary stress, but just so that you have the information and if nothing else, you can be a better listener, friend, partner, sister, mother, aunt, cousin, grandmother to someone who is experiencing a miscarriage.

There are many, many great resources out there. There are books, informational websites, Facebook groups, forum sites, and many, many other places to get and share information and support.

Birthday RAK Weekend - Birthday 2012

In case you're wondering what this is all about, you can read my original post about it here. Once you're up to speed, just continue reading this post.

First, I want to thank you so much for helping me celebrate my 30th birthday. 30 (and anything above it) tends to be an age no one really wants to be, but I've decided to take what some consider a depressing birthday and find the good in it. How? By doing random acts of kindness (RAKs) for others all weekend long.

How can you help? By doing a RAK or two yourself! My goal is that I will do 30 RAKs by myself or with my family and if I could get 30 other people to do just one RAK, there would be 60 good deeds done in the world in honor of my birthday.

Here's the "official invite" to my birthday celebration and below it is the form you'll need to fill out to tell me all about the great thing(s) you've done this weekend to help others!

This form will be available through Wednesday, October 24 so that I can compile a list of all the great things and get them into a blog post to share with everyone.

Also, sorry if the form appears a bit large, I wasn't sure how to resize it.



Thanks again!

Birchbox October 2012 - First Thoughts/Impressions

There were two types of Birchboxes one could have gotten this month: a regular one with the theme transformation or a special one as part of a collaboration with goop. Before receiving the email asking me to opt in if I wanted a goop box, I hadn't heard of goop. I scoped out their website for a bit before deciding to opt in. A lot of what I was seeing was higher end things and I hoped that translated to Bircbox, either in terms of what the products were or in terms of the size of the samples.

I was sorely disappointed this month. So that I'm not repeating myself in every single item, I'm mostly disappointed with the size of the samples. Out of the 5 samples I received this month, I would say that two were what I would consider a deluxe size sample at all. The other three are itty bitty. 

Jouer Lip Enhancer - Full size $14 for 0.33 fl oz - Sample $2.97 for 0.07 fl oz

This lip enhancer promises "the moisturizing punch of a balm with the satiny finish of a gloss." Honestly though, it doesn't really tell me HOW it will enhance my lips. Will it make them more plump? Less flaky? More kissable? Anything other than shiny? Guess we'll have to wait and see. Maybe this is something I can use before bed since the cooler weather has us turning the heat on already and my lips are usually pretty dry when I wake up.

Added after I checked out the Birchbox description on the website: Apparently it's supposed to "minimize the appearance of fine lines and boost your lips naturally without that annoying tingly sensation found in so many other plumpers."

LUNA Bar - Full size $18.75 for 15 bars - Sample $1.25 for 1 bar

I'm excited to try this Luna bar. It's one of the bars I've seen around the grocery store but haven't yet tried. I've heard mixed reviews and what flavor it is tends to be the key. Some flavors are just not as good as others. We'll have to see about this lemon one.

Supergoop!® City Sunscreen Serum - Full size $42 for 1.6 fl oz - Sample $3.55 for 4 ml (2 ml in each packet)

More sunscreen in the fall? I could really take or leave this sample since if you look back at some of the other boxes (Birchbox, Influenster, etc.) I've gotten in recent months, I already have sunscreen. PLUS, I won a HUGE bottle of sunscreen/moisturizer from a giveaway at the beginning of the summer. That bad boy will last me a long time. Will I use it? Maybe. Since there's 2 packs in the sample I may try one and give one to a friend.

Kiehl's Rosa Arctica Eye Cream - Full size $46 for 0.5 oz - Sample $9.20 for 0.1 oz

I'm so excited about this! I'm really looking for a Holy Grail eye cream/moisturizer for the eye area. Yes, I'm about to be 30 in a few days and my under eyes are wrinkling like an 80-year-old. I need something that will help keep the moisture and possibly plump things up a bit to smooth our a few of the fine lines. I'm not sure this will be the trick though as it is supposed to be a brightening eye balm which should at least help with some of my dark circles.

 

essie® fall picks Nail Polish in lady like - Full size $8 for 1 bottle - This is a full size product

This is my first bottle of essie polish! I'm quickly becoming a nail polish hoarder, though I'm not sure why. I tend to get hooked on a color and wear it for a month straight and then switch to something else. Hopefully this will become one of my favorites and I can get a lot of use out of it. It's a purple/mauve/light dusty rose, which isn't necessarily a color I'd pick out for myself especially right now. I tend to gravitate more toward burgundies and darker colors in the fall. Hopefully this looks great!

Box Total: $24.97

What Makes a Mother? - Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Month

What Makes a Mother?

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked “What makes a Mother?”
And I know I heard Him say.

“A Mother has a baby”
This we know is true
“But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby’s not with you?”

“Yes, you can,” He replied
With confidence in His voice
“I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there’s no need to stay.”

“I just don’t understand this God
I want my baby to be here.”
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.

“I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child’s smile,
With all the other children and say…

‘We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mum,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow’s where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don’t be sad today,
I’m your baby and I’m here.’

“So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they’ll stay.

They’ll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson’s through.
And on the day that you come home
they’ll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It’s the feeling in your heart
it’s the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

-author unknown