20 Things Angel Mommies Wish You Knew - #16-20 - Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Month

This post is part of a monthly series I am writing during the month of October to bring awareness to Pregnancy and Infant Loss. You can read #1 - 5 here, #6 - 10 here, and #11 - 15 here.

16. I wish you wouldn’t feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it’s not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.

17. I wish you wouldn’t think that you’ll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous.

19. I wish you wouldn’t say that it’s natures way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect no matter what you think nature is saying.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say “next time things will be okay”. The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?

The last 3 are so important - as they all are, but more so for me. Being around pregnant women is EXTREMELY hard and it's just as hard to explain why. I don't wish them ill or wish for anything bad to happen to them. I just wish for good things to happen to me too. I can't even think of a good situation to liken it to, but here's my try. If you were starving and the person next to you had the most delicious looking hamburger, you probably wouldn't wish they didn't have it. You would probably wish you had one too. That's it. I don't wish they weren't pregnant. I just wish I was pregnant too.

#20 really, really hits home, especially since I've had 3 miscarriages now. After the first one a lot of people told me next time this and next time that and I believed them. In my heart I knew that next time things would be different. And they were - I had an ectopic instead of a natural miscarriage and could have lost my life. And again people said next time this and next time that. So again I thought that next time would be different. Once a fluke, twice an accident, third time's the charm. And it was different. The third time the ectopic was caught in time and I didn't even lose my tube. So what now? What will be different about the fourth time? Will there even be a fourth time? And what will you say to me if it happens again?