Day 23: Tattoo/Jewelry - Capture Your Grief - Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Month

If you caught yesterday's post about words, you'll probably recognize the wording on this. I've already written a huge post about the ins and outs of my tattoo so you can read that if you're interested in more than I have to say here. The picture above is the one I took to the tattoo guy.

Day 22: Words - Capture Your Grief - Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Month

An angel in the book of life
wrote down my baby's birth,
And whispered as she closed the book
"Too beautiful for Earth."

Of all the quotes and poems I've read over the years, this one speaks to me the most. I started to write that I wasn't sure what it was exactly about this particular poem that spoke to me the most, but then I thought I do know.

According to the poem, my babies mattered. They counted for something. Their names (though they really didn't have names) are recorded somewhere and because of that they existed. None of my babies were born in any traditional sense, but I like to think that they were all born. Unfortunately they were born into Heaven and not Earth.

Day 14: Family - Capture Your Grief - Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Month

When my journey began, my family looked much, much different than it does now. While I still have my parents, sister, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc., I would consider my main "family" to be myself and Minnie.

I live with my parents so they are still a very large and important part of my life, but if I had to pack up and leave tomorrow, it would likely be just me and Minnie. Even though my "family unit" has changed so much it is still so full of love and for that I am so thankful.

Day 10: Beliefs - Capture Your Grief - Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Month

Before my losses I had never thought about my beliefs surrounding loss through miscarriage. My general belief about what will happen in general has always been that we will one day meet again in Heaven. When I thought more specifically about my beliefs and my miscarriages things got a little more foggy for a bit. I was finally able to come to some sort of loosely shaped beliefs that I hope I can explain so that others can understand as well.

I have had three miscarriages but have lost a total of four babies. I believe that each of these losses/babies were the same, or a combination of the same, two spirits. For some reason these spirits weren't quite ready for earth and so they have begun a cycle, of sorts, of coming and leaving and it won't be until they are ready that they will be born on earth. Because of some of my fertility issues, some of which are now physical and unchangeable, I don't know if they will eventually be born to me or for me, but I have faith and believe that they will eventually be mine.

In my mind, there is no doubt that these two spirits will some day be a part of my physical life. If for some reason things don't work out that way, I know that I will some day meet them in Heaven.

Day 7: You Now - Capture Your Grief - Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Month

Right now I feel like I'm in a decent place with my grief. I've gone through a lot of stuff in the last few months and through it I've done a lot of soul searching, and am still working on it.

The tattoo I got back in April was a big step in having some closure to everything. There's a post coming up in a couple of weeks that will talk more about that, or you're welcome to read my original tattoo post. Since getting that tattoo I've felt more at peace with everything and while I do still have some sadness, on the whole I'd say I'm doing ok.

Day 4: Legacy - Capture Your Grief - Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Month

I know what a legacy is but I had to look up the actual definition to be sure I understood it correctly and also so I could think about how it relates to my miscarriages and the babies I lost. Truth is, I'm not sure how it applies.

I find legacy to mean that what is left after someone is gone - what they are most remembered for. Based on that definition, and because of the circumstances, I would have to say that they have left behind pain - both emotional and physical - but at the same time there is hope.

So I guess there I have it. The legacy my babies have left behind is hope. Hope for the future, that some day I will have children, and also that some day I will get to meet them.

Day 2: Identity - Capture Your Grief - Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Month

Unfortunately none of my pregnancies made it to a stage where there was any real discussion about their futures. There were no nicknames, only a little wishful thinking about what they might be named. So because I can't really speak to their identity, I'll use this post to talk about my identity and how it has changed since my miscarriages.

Day 1: Sunrise - Capture Your Grief - Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Month

[Picture of this morning's sunrise (hopefully) will go here when I wake up]

There was really no sunrise this morning as it was super foggy. Plus I slept way in because I'm not feeling the best. That said, I have no picture to share today.

Today is Day 1 in CarlyMarie Project Heal's Capture Your Grief Photographic Challenge. If you are participating I would love to follow along in your journey this month as well so feel free to leave your links below!

I already know I won't be doing every single day, but I'm going to try to do a majority of them. You'll be able to find pictures and a blog post for the days I do participate here, as well as pictures on my Instagram.

It's so fitting that Day 1 is a sunrise as it's the very first day of the month and the project. I hope you'll follow me on my journey to bring awareness to Pregnancy/Infant Loss, as well as work through some of my own feelings and thoughts on the subject. 

International Bereaved Mother's Day

And I really am, though few acknowledge me as such. That's because, unfortunately, my children are angels. I'm an angel mom.

If you've been a reader for very long, I'm sure you've seen many of my posts about miscarriage. If you haven't, all the posts can be found here.

I Got Inked

I've known for years that I wanted to get a tattoo - probably since sometime in high school. Over the years I changed my mind about what I wanted, where it should go, etc. Because I kept changing my mind, I never actually got one. I figured if I thought of a tattoo idea and it stuck with me for more than a short while, that's how I would know the time was right to get one.

I finally found an idea that stuck with me for more than a week.

Thank you - Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Month

I'm not sure there is any way I can put into words exactly how thankful I am for everyone who has participated in my campaign of sorts for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

Thank you to those who have been brave enough to share your story. It takes a lot of guts to tell anyone, let alone the world, the details of what is probably one of your darkest hours. Your courage is something to be admired. Thank you for helping me bring light to a subject so few talk about openly. I hope that sharing your story and possibly helping others who may be going through something similar eases your pain a bit, if only for a second.

Thank you to my readers, Facebook friends and Twitter followers for reading all of the posts and sharing and re-tweeting links to your friends and followers. Because of your help, others who may never have found my blog were able to read and share the posts as well. Everyone who has read even just one post about pregnancy/infant loss can now say they have some knowledge of the subject. They can be better friends/parents/partners/siblings/etc to anyone they know who has had a loss or who will experience one in the future.

Writing and sharing all these posts this month has really been an honor. Obviously it's something very near and dear to my heart and I hate that there are people out there who feel they have to suffer alone and in silence. There are support groups - both online and offline - that can and will help as much as they are able. If you aren't sure where to start the search for one, your doctor can be a great resource. Also try searching online and checking your local newspapers. If you aren't finding any groups in your area, maybe you could start one. Remember, statistically it happens to 1 in 4 women so if you are 1, there are others.

20 Things Angel Mommies Wish You Knew - #16-20 - Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Month

This post is part of a monthly series I am writing during the month of October to bring awareness to Pregnancy and Infant Loss. You can read #1 - 5 here, #6 - 10 here, and #11 - 15 here.

16. I wish you wouldn’t feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it’s not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.

17. I wish you wouldn’t think that you’ll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous.

19. I wish you wouldn’t say that it’s natures way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect no matter what you think nature is saying.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say “next time things will be okay”. The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?

The last 3 are so important - as they all are, but more so for me. Being around pregnant women is EXTREMELY hard and it's just as hard to explain why. I don't wish them ill or wish for anything bad to happen to them. I just wish for good things to happen to me too. I can't even think of a good situation to liken it to, but here's my try. If you were starving and the person next to you had the most delicious looking hamburger, you probably wouldn't wish they didn't have it. You would probably wish you had one too. That's it. I don't wish they weren't pregnant. I just wish I was pregnant too.

#20 really, really hits home, especially since I've had 3 miscarriages now. After the first one a lot of people told me next time this and next time that and I believed them. In my heart I knew that next time things would be different. And they were - I had an ectopic instead of a natural miscarriage and could have lost my life. And again people said next time this and next time that. So again I thought that next time would be different. Once a fluke, twice an accident, third time's the charm. And it was different. The third time the ectopic was caught in time and I didn't even lose my tube. So what now? What will be different about the fourth time? Will there even be a fourth time? And what will you say to me if it happens again?

20 Things Angel Mommies Wish You Knew - #11-15 - Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Month

This post is part of a monthly series I am writing during the month of October to bring awareness to Pregnancy and Infant Loss. You can read #1 - 5 here and #6 - 10 here.

11. I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be “over and done with” in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be “over” this.

12. I wish you wouldn’t think that my baby wasn’t really a baby and he was just blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby had a life. My baby had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and a face. I have seen my baby’s body and face. My baby was real person – and he was alive.

13. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby was born and the day I lost him are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to “normal” you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me-maybe you’ll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn’t tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace him. Babies aren’t interchangeable.

I really can't say this enough, but a loss is a loss is a loss. Every loss is different but they are all losses. How you feel when your favorite grandparent passes is different from how you feel when a distant aunt or uncle passes. Each of those losses will feel different from the loss of a parent, sibling or spouse as well. The loss of a child can never really explained to someone who hasn't experienced it. It is truly unlike any other loss. It's also one that, I feel, you never really "get over." 

Unlike the loss of someone else, in my experience anyhow, the loss of a child, no matter how early or late in their life, is one you think about nearly every single day. I've "moved past" or "got over" (the better term I believe is "can function with") the loss of dear grandparents, distant relatives such as great aunts and uncles and even the loss of a cousin who was near my age. I can go days, weeks, sometimes even months without thinking about them. Sometimes I can barely go two days without thinking about the children who should be here on Earth with me.

I am a different me today because of everything I've been through - for better and for worse. I will never be the same as I was before...and really, that's ok. Those who can deal with that have and will stick by me. Those who can't have already filtered themselves out of my life...and that's ok too.

My Angel Mommy's Story - Part 3 - Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Month

My name is Jessica and I am 30 years old. This is the story of my third miscarriage in my own words. You can read about my first miscarriage here and about my second miscarriage here.

Some time after my last pregnancy and miscarriage I decided to start temping to see if I was ovulating - there was just a little concern that with one missing tube my body may not be acting as it should and I wanted to be sure that it was, or if it wasn't I wanted to fix it. Several months of temping lead me to believe that I was ovulating. When I had my annual exam with my OB/GYN I talked about it with her and she suggested I add ovulation detection tests - they look quite a bit like pregnancy tests but work a whole lot differently.

By May I was nearly a pro at this and knew when I should expect the little pee sticks to tell me I was ovulating and such. My period started on May 1 and then around May 10 I started with the ovulation sticks. On May 14 I had a very obvious - ovulation stick and on May 15 I had a very obvious +. Things were looking right on track. Being the slightly OCD person that I am, I always continued testing until things were - again. I got very, very dark and obvious + on May 15, 16 and 17 as well. I was shocked at how dark they were actually and asked some very amazing friends who are part of an Internet support group I joined on Facebook after my last loss what they thought. Someone suggested I take a pregnancy test because the test lines were so dark.

The pregnancy test was also +.

Knowing what I do about how the female body works with ovulation and everything, I knew that there was nearly no way possible to get a + pregnancy test just 17 days after my cycle had began. To my knowledge I hadn't even ovulated yet that month! I waited for my husband to get home and showed him the test right away. I don't think he really believed me at first, but eventually he came around.

The next day I woke up with no voice. My sister had to call the family doctor for me to get an appointment and she went with me to the appointment so she could talk for me. I had to tell my doctor about the positive pregnancy tests because they were going to give me antibiotics for the upper respiratory infection I had. That's how my sister found out I was pregnant. I told my parents the next day because they were going to start wondering about all the doctor appointments I was going to have to go to and such.

On Monday I called my OB/GYN to explain the situation. I was either 2/3 weeks pregnant or more like 6/7 weeks...and I had no insurance. We were between insurances. My doctor wouldn't see me without insurance and she wouldn't even order labs to confirm pregnancy and check my hormone levels. I was furious. I ended up calling the local health department and getting all set up there for my first appointment. I'd have to wait about 2 weeks, but really that was nothing.

I had started noticing some cramping in the meantime, but chalked it up to everything growing and stretching. The ladies I mentioned earlier did an amazing job of keeping me calm and helping me get through things. I started to notice that the cramps were on one side mostly - the left side - which concerned me a lot after my last experience with an ectopic. I chalked it up to the possibility of a cyst on my ovary, which isn't that uncommon during pregnancy especially in the first few weeks.

By Thursday I could just feel something was wrong. I don't even know that I could put it into words, but I just KNEW something wasn't right. The minute my mom got home that night, I told her I needed to go to the hospital. I insisted we eat dinner first, but she said no. Off to the ER we went.

I explained the whole deal about the ovulation sticks and when my last period was and everything that wasn't adding up in my head, along with the cramps. The doctor was great, but male. It's hard enough to explain some of this to women who don't understand their bodies. It's nearly impossible to explain to most males, even if they are doctors.

They ordered the usual bloodwork, ultrasound and a pelvic exam. The bloodwork confirmed pregnancy and they also saw a cyst/mass on the left side of my tube/ovary/they weren't sure exactly where. At some point i had also started bleeding. Based on my hormone levels and seeing nothing in my uterus they decided I must have been more in the 2/3 weeks along range. Based on my history of ectopic, the bleeding and the mass/cyst they decided to keep me at least overnight for observation.

A whole lot of questions/admission stuff and several hours later it was 10pm and I was finally in my own room. The OB/GYN on call came and talked to me and gave me an exam. SHE finally understood what I was trying to say about the ovulation sticks and my cycle and everything and agreed it was suspicious. They were going to do more bloodwork in the morning and give me pain meds.

My morning blood levels had gone down significantly and the doctor decided I must be having a natural miscarriage. They were going to keep me one more day because they wanted to do an ultrasound to check on the cyst/mass before they sent me home. It's worth mentioning that I had popcorn around 3pm Thursday afternoon and wasn't allowed to eat anything until Friday evening. I then couldn't eat after midnight in case they needed to do surgery - they had still not FOR SURE ruled out ectopic, just thought that a natural miscarriage was more likely and were taking precautions.

I came home late Saturday afternoon. My husband's birthday. We got him the Wendy's he wanted for his birthday dinner and then he promptly left to celebrate his birthday with his friends when we got home - leaving my parents to take care of me. I may as well have been left alone. I was sad. I was mad. I didn't understand why I was yet again having a miscarriage.

Monday was Memorial Day so I had to call on Tuesday to set up an appointment on Wednesday with the OB/GYN from the hospital - remember, my regular doctor wouldn't see me or even order bloodwork. I had to have bloodwork taken before my appointment so the doctor could make sure my hormone levels were lowering as they should.

I heard the doctor talking outside the door before she came into the room. It didn't sound good. Apparently my hormone levels had gone up! They had gone up higher than they had been on Thursday when I was in the ER. This was not good, especially given the drop of several hundred on Friday. She told me she was going to have the lab run it again because their margin of error was quite large and she wanted to be sure the numbers were right. I was told to go have lunch and come back in about an hour. Thankfully my mom was with me because I was also not allowed to be alone. The rising numbers had brought the ectopic threat back to the top of the list and if it was an ectopic and it happened to rupture, I needed to have someone with me.

An hour later I was back in the doctor's office. The lab had re-ran the bloodwork and my numbers came back even higher - from the same tube of blood as the first number that day. We now knew something was not right at all. An ultrasound was ordered STAT to check on the mass/cyst. Another couple of hours and an ultrasound later I was back in the doctor's office. The cyst/mass was now slightly bigger than it had been and the doctor was very concerned.

She explained that I was going to need surgery to figure out what was going on because she could no longer say it was any sort of normal pregnancy or natural miscarriage. Surgery was scheduled for 7am Thursday morning. I was allowed to eat/drink until midnight and I was not allowed to be alone at all.

The surgery went well. She was able to drain the cyst (it was in fact a cyst) and remove the ectopic pregnancy without having to take my tube. Yep, another ectopic. At least this time I got to keep my tube. She also discovered massive fibroids on my uterus. She was surprised to find them since they were so large and should have shown up on any/all of the ultrasounds. Instead of being able to do the surgery laproscopically, she ended up having to cut me open more. I now have a nice scar on my bikini line. I also had incisions where she tried to do things laproscopically but was unable to.

I was such a good patient and was getting around so well that I was able to go home after dinner the next day. Apparently healing quickly runs in the family. Things at home were harder, but I got through it with no pain meds. It took about 6 weeks for my hormone levels to return to less than 5 - which is what they consider "not pregnant." The weekly blood draws nearly killed me. I couldn't wait for them to be over.

It's now almost 6 months later and I've healed physically. I don't know that you ever really heal emotionally, you just learn how to cope differently. Writing all of this and sharing the stories of other Angel Mommies this month has helped a great deal. Now there's talk of testing to see if my left tube is open. Honestly, I'm not ready to know yet. On one hand, I want to know very much and on the other, I don't know how I will deal with the answer being no. Essentially one test will tell me if I am able to have my own children or not. I don't see IVF being an option now or in the future and if my tube is blocked and there would be no way to open it, or if opening it may lead to scar tissue or anything, IVF would be the only option.

My advice for others who have experienced miscarriage/pregnancy/infant loss?

Remember and realize you are not alone. Even though you may feel completely alone, you're not. There are many, many other women who share the same pain and have walked the same path. They are also amazing sources of inspiration, wisdom and support. If you don't know anyone personally who has experienced a loss or if they aren't able to be any of those things for you, the Internet is a wonderful place to find someone who can be. I started out on a message board and then migrated to a Facebook group. Not every place is right for everyone so it may take a little time to find somewhere that's right for you.

What do I want others who have never experienced miscarriage/pregnancy/infant loss to know?

A loss is a loss is a loss. While the loss of a grandparent is different from the loss of an aunt, which is different from the loss of a spouse and still different from the loss of a child, they are all valid losses and should be acknowledged as such. Few things feel worse for a woman who has gone through a miscarriage than feeling as though her baby never existed. Talk to her about it. If she seems hesitant or gets upset at first, try again another time. At the very least, acknowledge that she had a loss and sincerely tell her you're sorry.

An Angel Mommy's Story - Catherine - Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Month

Catherine is 24 years old and currently lives in Guam (though her heart is in Nebraska). This is her story in her own words.

February 23, 2011 was the night I found out we would be adding to our family of three. My husband (then fiancé) and I had dropped our daughter off at my parents and headed out for our makeup Valentine’s Day. (I don’t remember why we missed it. I think my husband had to work that day.) We went to dinner and then at the last minute decided to catch a movie (The Rite). The movie was half over when I started to get sick. I was feeling so awful we decided to leave the movie. As we drove to pick up our daughter, my husband turned to me and said “Isn’t your period late? Wouldn’t it be funny if you were pregnant?” (I was supposed to get my period that first weekend in February but it wasn’t unusual for me to have irregular periods) I laughed it off and claimed bad food but we stopped at the grocery store, picked up a test, picked up our daughter and went home. 

After we put our daughter to bed, my husband was like “Go pee on the stick” “I think I’m supposed to wait until the morning” “Who cares just go do it” I went to the bathroom and as I waited for the 3 minutes (with it turned over so I couldn’t cheat) I kept telling myself not to get my hopes up because it would be negative and we used protection, blah blah blah. 3 minutes passed and I turn the test over and sure enough two little pink lines were staring at me. My heart rose and sank all at the same time. I was pregnant with our second child but we weren’t married yet and we were moving overseas in July. It was all happening so fast. I told my husband and of course called my mom. We were all excited but I was still worried about being pregnant and moving 7000 miles away. That Saturday everything started going downhill. 

I started bleeding that morning. We were at my in-laws (I had seen my dr Friday and got a confirmation that I was pregnant. My dr was awesome on how fast they got things done) so I went to the ER because I knew bleeding was bad. Apparently the ER was in no hurry since from the time I got there until my ultrasound was about a 5 hour wait. They found the baby and a heartbeat so they weren’t worried. I went on my way and when I called my dr on Monday he didn’t seem concerned either. 

March 8, 2011 was the day my happy bubble burst. My bleeding had been pretty light until I started bleeding more. I hadn’t been filling a pad but it felt like the beginning of my period. I began freaking out and called the nurse line. She told me if I hadn’t started passing clots or filling a pad then I was fine and I would just go in on that Friday. As soon as I got off the phone with her, I ran to the bathroom to check. I was passing several clots at once. My husband called the nurse back because I couldn’t stop crying long enough to talk and we headed to the ER. My mom met us there and took my daughter so we wouldn’t have to worry about her. They took me back fairly quickly. They took blood work and then took me for an ultrasound. The whole time the tech kept the screen away while I sobbed silently. I told my husband what happened in the ultrasound but he kept telling me that things would be ok. It seemed like an eternity had passed before the ER doctor came in to tell me the baby had stopped growing at about 7.5 weeks. I was supposed to be almost 9 weeks. 

After we left the ER, we went and got dinner (and candy, ice cream, and cookies). We stayed at my parents for a while, while I drowned my sorrow in sugar. I had my D&E the next morning and that was it, my pregnancy was over. I felt like someone had ripped a part of my heart out and stomped it to oblivion. I skipped classes that night and just cuddled with my husband and daughter. One part that made me so angry was not losing the baby but for my sister in law for outing me on Facebook (even though she swore she wouldn’t) and then having to untell everyone. As stupid as it may seem, I still haven’t forgiven her for that. I know it wasn’t her fault but I felt like (at the time) that she jinxed us and that’s why I lost the baby. 

All my tests and the tests done to the fetus came back clear, no problems. My doctor put it as my body was still healing from my daughter (who was almost 7 months old) and it had simply rejected the baby. I took that explanation with no other questions (I trusted the man, heck he delivered me and my sisters and we’re all still here so he must know something)

That September we were blessed with the news I was pregnant again and now I have a healthy 5 month old. It’s still hard to talk about my loss without tearing up but it’s slowly getting easier. My two girls know they have an angel sibling watching over them and we plan on celebrating my EDD every year with a balloon release. All my family and true friends (yes I found out who my true friends were during this whole thing) celebrate as well. We talk about the baby and don’t keep it locked away like some horrible family secret. My mom and mother in law both say they have 3 grandchildren instead of two. That always warms my heart. I feel so blessed for what I have now. I have my two girls, my husband and even for a short while I had my angel.

Her advice for others who have experienced miscarriage/pregnancy/infant loss?

I would tell them to lean on family and friends. Don’t lock away your feelings because someone thinks a taboo to talk about a losing a child. Always talk about your baby. The pain never goes away either but it does get a little more bearable with each passing day.

What does she want others who have never experienced miscarriage/pregnancy/infant loss to know?

I would tell them unless they know what it’s like to lose a child, don’t tell someone how to feel. Don’t make them feel ashamed or like it was their fault (Yes all this was said to me) Never say there must have been something wrong with that child. Also make sure you talk about their baby so that the person knows that you acknowledge their baby’s existence (even if it was a short amount of time) Just be there for them as a shoulder to cry on or an ear to vent to. And comfort them when they need you.