20 Things Angel Mommies Wish You Knew - #11-15 - Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Month

This post is part of a monthly series I am writing during the month of October to bring awareness to Pregnancy and Infant Loss. You can read #1 - 5 here and #6 - 10 here.

11. I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be “over and done with” in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be “over” this.

12. I wish you wouldn’t think that my baby wasn’t really a baby and he was just blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby had a life. My baby had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and a face. I have seen my baby’s body and face. My baby was real person – and he was alive.

13. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby was born and the day I lost him are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to “normal” you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me-maybe you’ll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn’t tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace him. Babies aren’t interchangeable.

I really can't say this enough, but a loss is a loss is a loss. Every loss is different but they are all losses. How you feel when your favorite grandparent passes is different from how you feel when a distant aunt or uncle passes. Each of those losses will feel different from the loss of a parent, sibling or spouse as well. The loss of a child can never really explained to someone who hasn't experienced it. It is truly unlike any other loss. It's also one that, I feel, you never really "get over." 

Unlike the loss of someone else, in my experience anyhow, the loss of a child, no matter how early or late in their life, is one you think about nearly every single day. I've "moved past" or "got over" (the better term I believe is "can function with") the loss of dear grandparents, distant relatives such as great aunts and uncles and even the loss of a cousin who was near my age. I can go days, weeks, sometimes even months without thinking about them. Sometimes I can barely go two days without thinking about the children who should be here on Earth with me.

I am a different me today because of everything I've been through - for better and for worse. I will never be the same as I was before...and really, that's ok. Those who can deal with that have and will stick by me. Those who can't have already filtered themselves out of my life...and that's ok too.