An Angel Mommy's Story - Emily - Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Month

Emily is 28 years old and from Louisiana. This is her story in her own words. She was also kind enough to share pictures she has of her girls.

First twin ultrasound

In January of 2010, I found out I was pregnant. It was very early when I started spotting. I was still trying to get into the OB's office, it was so early. I found out a few days later, based on blood work, I was miscarrying (such a horrible word...no one chooses to not carry a baby "correctly"). On Feb 13th, I started to bleed. My Dr's office followed my HCG numbers down to under 5, and told me when they got there, I should get my period. I never did. About 2 weeks after that phone call, I realized I still hadn't gotten it, so I took a pregnancy test. It was positive. About a week later, I started spotting again. My OB's office sent me to the ER, where they did an ultrasound, but it was too early to see anything. There was nothing but an "empty" sac. After that, they immediately sent me to get blood work, where they told me at that point, it looked good. I had 2 more draws, where my numbers were going up. On a Wed (after the second draw) my numbers were over 18,000. The Dr's office set me up for a dating ultrasound (since I had no clue how far along I was). It was set for Friday. All night Thursday, I told my husband that we would go to the ultrasound, and I would either see no heartbeat, or I would see 2. (When we first got married, I always told my husband that my 4th pregnancy would be twins. That was with the expectation that my 3rd pregnancy was a success, not a loss). Get to the Dr., and lo and behold, there are 2 absolutely beautiful beating hearts. My one egg had spontaneously split, giving me identical twins. My due date was set for December 2, 2010. I would never make it CLOSE to there.

Everything was textbook, They were MO-DI twins (Same outer sac, different inner sac, so they shared a placenta). I went in for ultrasounds at 6 weeks, 8 weeks, 12 weeks, and then again at 20 weeks. We found out we were expecting girls (YAY!) and that they were still perfect! There was only about an ounce or 2 difference in their weights. Fast forward to the end of 25 weeks, and I started feeling a lot of pain and pressure in the bottom of my belly. The Dr's measured, did a stress test, and then ordered an ultrasound, because I was measuring about 3cm larger than I had been the week before. The Dr. wanted to make sure it was baby growth, and not extra fluid. Everything was beautiful! I had 2 perfect wiggly baby girls in my belly.

Last Ella ultrasound

Last Thia ultrasound

Last belly pic at 26 weeks

 That was the Tuesday before my life fell apart.

That Friday, I noticed the girls weren't moving as much as normal. I got some movement, so I thought they were just running out of room. I was only 26 weeks, 1 day, but I was already measuring 38 cm (full term). Saturday morning, there was no movement. I checked their heartbeats with my doppler, and they seemed high to me, and they didn't change like they normally did. I called the on-call OB, who sent me into L&D for monitoring. Babies still had very stable heartbeats. There was no change. They did an ultrasound, but it wasnt' the best quality, The Dr. decided to send me to the larger hospital, with a better NICU, since I was so early still. She told me as I was leaving the floor, that they would AT MOST keep me on hospital bed rest for a bit. At least until I could get the second steroid shot. Once at the bigger hospital, a Perinatologist came in and did an ultrasound, and told me that Baby B had some fluid around her kidney, and looked like she had a true knot in her cord. She said we needed to deliver immediately, or both babies would die. I was sent back for an emergency c-section.

Baby A came out crying (she sounded like a mouse!) on August 28th, 2010, weighing 1lb 7oz. We named her Cynthia Paige, Thia for short. Baby B came out with no noise. She weighed 2lbs 3.5 oz. We named her Gabriella Catherine, Ella for short. Not long after Ella was born, they took her from the room. About 5 minutes later, they came and got my husband. They stitched me up, and sent me to recovery. I was alone for a bit, since I had told my husband to follow the babies to the NICU. My friend (who had taken me to the hospital early that afternoon) came to be with me in recovery. The NICU Dr. came in, gave me the run down (quickly) on Thia, and then said "I'm so sorry. We did everything we could. Baby B's heart rate just wouldn't come up above 65 bpms after we cut the cord. She did have a true knot, about 2 inches from the placenta. Your husband told us that we didn't have to keep working on her, we couldn't get her resuscitated. We tried for 34 minutes." I started sobbing. So hard I was shaking. My heart rate was through the roof. They brought my beautiful Ella in to me. She was so tiny and perfect.

Both girls - Top: Thia - Bottom: Ella

 We had Thia baptized that night. It was 1:30 in the morning the first time I saw Thia. She was so tiny and so perfect. She spent the first 10 days of her life going on and off a high frequency ventilator. At about 10 days, they started weaning her off the ventilator, onto a cannula. When she got there, she was on a high flow one. She was a little fighter. She went down to a regular cannula. She pulled her PICC line out of her arm at 15 days old. She was always pulling her feeding tube or cannula out and holding onto it. I held her for the first time at 15 days. She loved it, the nurses joked that I should just always hold her, because her temp was great, and her heart rate was excellent. I gave her a bath when she was 19 days old. It was an awesome experience.

First picture of Thia

First time holding Thia

Thia with her eyes open

Daddy and Thia

Thia holding her paci

 

Mommy and Thia

Thia off the ventilator

Thia and her daddy's ring

At 3:15am, Friday morning, when she was 20 days old, I got that dreaded phone call. A nurse was calling to tell me she wasn't doing well. The Dr. was with her, and I should get there as soon as I could. I got to the hospital at about 4am. They were doing compressions on her. The Dr. told me that they didn't know what had happened, but her heart rate plummeted. They tried everything they could, but nothing was working. My second baby was dying. A nurse asked if I wanted to hold her. I held my baby as she took her last breath. I was crying, and begging her to come back. To hang on. She died at 4:15am Friday, September 17, 2010. I felt her life leave her body. I knew the moment she was gone, without alarms or a nurse to tell me.

Monday, September 20, we said goodbye to our babies. Their funeral was beautiful. My younger sister (Ella's Godmother) sang Amazing Grace a capella. Our wonderful priest (who came to the hospital at 1am the day of their birth, and again at 5:30am the day Thia passed) picked wonderful readings. The Sunday after, he dedicated the Mass to them.

Memorial shelves

Her advice for others who have experienced miscarriage/pregnancy/infant loss?

One thing I would tell others, who have been there, is to talk about their babies. Even if it's random, talk about them. For months afterwards, I thought I had to be the strong one. I put my grief on the back burner, and ended up sinking into a horrible depression. I wanted to die. The only reason I was able to pull myself out, was my other kids needed me, and didn't understand what had happened. I started talking to them about their Angel Sisters, who were with Jesus now. I tell complete strangers about them, now.

What does she want others who have never experienced miscarriage/pregnancy/infant loss to know?

One thing I wish others knew, was that this is not something you get over. No future child will replace the one(s) lost. My girls will forever be a part of me. I will forever have a hole in my heart from them. Yes, as time goes on, I do not cry every day, but I still cry. The hole may be smaller, but it's still there. I know a woman who lost her baby over 40 years ago, and she still cries on her daughters birthday, or when she talks about her. It will never go away.