Kay is 27 years old. This is her story in her words.
The only thing I’ve ever wanted was to be called mommy and be
surrounded by beautiful children. Sadly, some dreams aren’t so easily
achieved.
Jeremy and I met through a mutual friend, who insisted
on playing match maker. At the time I was highly motivated by my career
as a Special Event Designer for a fabulous resort on the beach in
Clearwater, FL. Jeremy was a strikingly handsome single dad and Sergeant
in the US Army who lived in a tiny town in Northern Wisconsin. This
made me seriously doubt my best friend's match making abilities......I
mean seriously, why would I, a big city girl who lives for beach days
move to small town, cold, and snowy Wisconsin.
Never the less, I
agreed to let her give him my number. We spent every spare second of
every day on the phone and a week later I was on a plane to meet both my
best friend and this guy who had captured my every thought. After a two
week visit I couldn’t imagine life without him and I made the decision
to give up my career and move to Wisconsin. A month later we were
engaged and two months after that we were married. My life had
completely changed, I was now married to the most amazing man I’ve ever
known and a stay home mom to my beautiful stepdaughter. We knew right
away that we wanted to have children on our own but I wanted to take
some time to bond with Lexi before giving her a sibling. Well that
process didn’t take long, Lexi and I seemed to bond even faster than her
daddy and I had and she was soon begging for a baby brother or sister.
Three
months into our marriage we started trying to conceive and a month
later we were pregnant!!! I can still remember every detail of that
beautiful day. I had been feeling slightly ill for a few mornings, my
period was a day late and deep in my heart I just “knew” I was pregnant.
I snuck out to buy a test and to my delight two beautiful pink lines
appeared. Since I already had the gut feeling, I had also bought Jeremy a
card telling him how much I loved him and on the bottom I wrote him a
message that said “Congratulations, you’re gonna be a daddy….again!” I
crawled into our bed, tears in my eyes, and gave him the card. After
shaking off his sleepiness, he wrapped me up in a hug and we just
enjoyed our quiet happiness. We immediately told Lexi, called our
parents and grandparents and our closest friends.
Since we were
“trying” I was already taking prenatal vitamins and called my doctor to
schedule our first appointment. My doctor had us come in for a Nurse’s
Appointment where they confirmed I was pregnant and estimated I was
approximately 4 weeks 5 days (just barely pregnant). We scheduled or
next appointment for 8 weeks, where we would have a ultrasound and talk
to our doctor. We were so excited and even started picking out baby
names. My mom even went out and bought us a crib.
The thought
that something might go wrong never even crossed our minds. We were
doing everything “right”. A week went by and we were still on cloud
nine. I had never felt more blessed, I had the man of my dreams for my
husband, a beautiful little girl who called me mama and “wanted to be
just like me when she grew up” and a precious little life created in
love growing inside of me. Surely fairly tales weren’t even this
magical.
A little more than a week after finding out we were
pregnant, our fairly tale ended in our worst nightmare. One day I noticed
some light red spotting and my heart sank. Jeremy tried to assure me
things would be okay but I still wanted to see a doctor. It was a
Saturday so we went to the emergency room. My mother in law came over to
watch Lexi. I checked into the waiting room and sat there for what felt
like forever…..I went into the bathroom every 5-10 minutes to check the
spotting which had now turned to bleeding. Finally, a doctor saw me.
She gave me a pelvic exam, informed me that she believed we could be
experiencing a “threatened miscarriage” but that everything might still
be okay. Deep Breaths…..Cling to Jeremy…More Deep Breaths…..Pray. The
doctor ordered a vaginal ultrasound, I should be a little over 6 weeks
and this should give us a better idea of what was going on. More silent
prayers, actually I don’t think I’ve ever prayed so hard for anything.
The ultrasound confirmed my worst fear, this pregnancy would end in a
miscarriage. There was a defined yolk sac but the baby had not developed
past about 5 weeks and a few days. I would never hold my sweet baby in
my arms. I would never watch Jeremy rock our little baby to sleep. I
would never watch Lexi play with the sibling she so desperately wanted.
In those horrid moments, I thought my world would end…..no, in those few
moments, my world had ended.
The doctor suggested we go home and
let the natural process take place. She told us things to look out for
and said we could come back in if we felt we needed too. Honestly, I
don’t think I really heard her. I couldn’t hear anything over my own
sobs and my brain couldn’t process any more information. Jeremy
literally had to carry me out of the hospital. We were devastated.
Throughout that day the bleeding got worse and somewhere in the middle
of the night I was woken up with the worse cramps I’ve ever had, blood
had soaked through my pad and was now on our bed. I was in so much pain.
Jeremy once again, carried me, this time to a hot shower. I have no
idea how long I was in that shower but I know my body completed that
awful process there in our bathroom.
I spent days in bed.
Jeremy’s love and strength are all that got us through that time. I was
angry, devastated and lost. Jeremy bore the burden of “untelling”
everyone. It wasn’t until weeks later that I realized how much this
miscarriage affected him too. We’ll never know if our first child was a
boy or a girl, never know if he or she would’ve looked like me or Jeremy
but we’ll also never forget our angel. Even though time has helped us
heal, there will always be a hole in my heart for our first baby, a baby
we had for far too short of a time but a baby we loved more than we
ever thought possible.
Her advice for others who have experienced miscarriage/pregnancy/infant loss?
The one thing I wish I could tell others who
have experienced this heartbreak is that “it’s okay to feel however you
feel”. There is no “right” way to deal and cope with the loss of a
child. And that they don’t have to suffer in silence. I urge women in
this horrid time to join a support group with other women who have
walked this path. I know for me personally, my real healing didn’t begin
until I joined a wonderful group of women who could share my own
turmoil of loss. Some of these women have become some of my closest
friends and I know it’s the best choice I could have made.
What does she want others who have never experienced miscarriage/pregnancy/infant loss to know?
I wish
that people who haven’t suffered the loss of a child knew that this
shouldn’t be such a taboo subject. It’s okay to not know what to say or
do but it’s not okay to not say or do anything. Call to say hi, stop by
to let them talk, sit in silence and just offer hugs, love and support
if they don’t want to talk. Remember that saying things like “it’s okay,
you’re still young and can try again” or “everything happens for a
reason” are some of the worst phrases you can say. Acknowledge that they
lost a baby……acknowledge that even though they may not have held their
baby in their arms, they are still grieving parents. And remember that
the sad truth is that, miscarriage and infant loss can happen to anyone.
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