Catherine is 24 years old and currently lives in Guam (though her heart is in Nebraska). This is her story in her own words.
February 23, 2011 was the night I found out we would be
adding to our family of three. My husband (then fiancé) and I had dropped our
daughter off at my parents and headed out for our makeup Valentine’s Day. (I
don’t remember why we missed it. I think my husband had to work that day.) We
went to dinner and then at the last minute decided to catch a movie (The Rite).
The movie was half over when I started to get sick. I was feeling so awful we
decided to leave the movie. As we drove to pick up our daughter, my husband
turned to me and said “Isn’t your period late? Wouldn’t it be funny if you were
pregnant?” (I was supposed to get my period that first weekend in February but
it wasn’t unusual for me to have irregular periods) I laughed it off and
claimed bad food but we stopped at the grocery store, picked up a test, picked
up our daughter and went home.
After we put our daughter to bed, my husband was
like “Go pee on the stick” “I think I’m supposed to wait until the morning”
“Who cares just go do it” I went to the bathroom and as I waited for the 3 minutes
(with it turned over so I couldn’t cheat) I kept telling myself not to get my
hopes up because it would be negative and we used protection, blah blah blah. 3
minutes passed and I turn the test over and sure enough two little pink lines
were staring at me. My heart rose and sank all at the same time. I was pregnant
with our second child but we weren’t married yet and we were moving overseas in
July. It was all happening so fast. I told my husband and of course called my
mom. We were all excited but I was still worried about being pregnant and
moving 7000 miles away. That Saturday everything started going downhill.
I
started bleeding that morning. We were at my in-laws (I had seen my dr Friday
and got a confirmation that I was pregnant. My dr was awesome on how fast they
got things done) so I went to the ER because I knew bleeding was bad.
Apparently the ER was in no hurry since from the time I got there until my
ultrasound was about a 5 hour wait. They found the baby and a heartbeat so they
weren’t worried. I went on my way and when I called my dr on Monday he didn’t
seem concerned either.
March 8, 2011 was the day my happy bubble burst. My
bleeding had been pretty light until I started bleeding more. I hadn’t been
filling a pad but it felt like the beginning of my period. I began freaking out
and called the nurse line. She told me if I hadn’t started passing clots or
filling a pad then I was fine and I would just go in on that Friday. As soon as
I got off the phone with her, I ran to the bathroom to check. I was passing
several clots at once. My husband called the nurse back because I couldn’t stop
crying long enough to talk and we headed to the ER. My mom met us there and
took my daughter so we wouldn’t have to worry about her. They took me back
fairly quickly. They took blood work and then took me for an ultrasound. The
whole time the tech kept the screen away while I sobbed silently. I told my
husband what happened in the ultrasound but he kept telling me that things
would be ok. It seemed like an eternity had passed before the ER doctor came in
to tell me the baby had stopped growing at about 7.5 weeks. I was supposed to
be almost 9 weeks.
After we left the ER, we went and got dinner (and candy, ice
cream, and cookies). We stayed at my parents for a while, while I drowned my
sorrow in sugar. I had my D&E the next morning and that was it, my
pregnancy was over. I felt like someone had ripped a part of my heart out and
stomped it to oblivion. I skipped classes that night and just cuddled with my
husband and daughter. One part that made me so angry was not losing the baby
but for my sister in law for outing me on Facebook (even though she swore she
wouldn’t) and then having to untell everyone. As stupid as it may seem, I still
haven’t forgiven her for that. I know it wasn’t her fault but I felt like (at
the time) that she jinxed us and that’s why I lost the baby.
All my tests and
the tests done to the fetus came back clear, no problems. My doctor put it as
my body was still healing from my daughter (who was almost 7 months old) and it
had simply rejected the baby. I took that explanation with no other questions
(I trusted the man, heck he delivered me and my sisters and we’re all still
here so he must know something)
That September we were blessed with the news I
was pregnant again and now I have a healthy 5 month old. It’s still hard to
talk about my loss without tearing up but it’s slowly getting easier. My two
girls know they have an angel sibling watching over them and we plan on
celebrating my EDD every year with a balloon release. All my family and true
friends (yes I found out who my true friends were during this whole thing)
celebrate as well. We talk about the baby and don’t keep it locked away like
some horrible family secret. My mom and mother in law both say they have 3
grandchildren instead of two. That always warms my heart. I feel so blessed for
what I have now. I have my two girls, my husband and even for a short while I
had my angel.
Her advice for others who have experienced miscarriage/pregnancy/infant loss?
I would tell them to lean on family and friends. Don’t lock
away your feelings because someone thinks a taboo to talk about a losing a
child. Always talk about your baby. The pain never goes away either but it does
get a little more bearable with each passing day.
What does she want others who have never experienced miscarriage/pregnancy/infant loss to know?
I would tell
them unless they know what it’s like to lose a child, don’t tell someone how to
feel. Don’t make them feel ashamed or like it was their fault (Yes all this was
said to me) Never say there must have been something wrong with that child.
Also make sure you talk about their baby so that the person knows that you
acknowledge their baby’s existence (even if it was a short amount of time) Just
be there for them as a shoulder to cry on or an ear to vent to. And comfort
them when they need you.
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