Day 23: Tattoo/Jewelry - Capture Your Grief - Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Month

If you caught yesterday's post about words, you'll probably recognize the wording on this. I've already written a huge post about the ins and outs of my tattoo so you can read that if you're interested in more than I have to say here. The picture above is the one I took to the tattoo guy.

Day 22: Words - Capture Your Grief - Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Month

An angel in the book of life
wrote down my baby's birth,
And whispered as she closed the book
"Too beautiful for Earth."

Of all the quotes and poems I've read over the years, this one speaks to me the most. I started to write that I wasn't sure what it was exactly about this particular poem that spoke to me the most, but then I thought I do know.

According to the poem, my babies mattered. They counted for something. Their names (though they really didn't have names) are recorded somewhere and because of that they existed. None of my babies were born in any traditional sense, but I like to think that they were all born. Unfortunately they were born into Heaven and not Earth.

Day 14: Family - Capture Your Grief - Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Month

When my journey began, my family looked much, much different than it does now. While I still have my parents, sister, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc., I would consider my main "family" to be myself and Minnie.

I live with my parents so they are still a very large and important part of my life, but if I had to pack up and leave tomorrow, it would likely be just me and Minnie. Even though my "family unit" has changed so much it is still so full of love and for that I am so thankful.

Day 10: Beliefs - Capture Your Grief - Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Month

Before my losses I had never thought about my beliefs surrounding loss through miscarriage. My general belief about what will happen in general has always been that we will one day meet again in Heaven. When I thought more specifically about my beliefs and my miscarriages things got a little more foggy for a bit. I was finally able to come to some sort of loosely shaped beliefs that I hope I can explain so that others can understand as well.

I have had three miscarriages but have lost a total of four babies. I believe that each of these losses/babies were the same, or a combination of the same, two spirits. For some reason these spirits weren't quite ready for earth and so they have begun a cycle, of sorts, of coming and leaving and it won't be until they are ready that they will be born on earth. Because of some of my fertility issues, some of which are now physical and unchangeable, I don't know if they will eventually be born to me or for me, but I have faith and believe that they will eventually be mine.

In my mind, there is no doubt that these two spirits will some day be a part of my physical life. If for some reason things don't work out that way, I know that I will some day meet them in Heaven.

Bubble Pizza - Foodie Friday - Project Pinspiration #10

A little while ago I stayed at a friend's house overnight. It was a slumber party of sorts with her and her children. This bubble pizza sounded like a great, kid friendly meal that we could easily cook for dinner. It also helped tat she had all the ingredients on hand already.

Here's how our version turned out:

Day 7: You Now - Capture Your Grief - Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Month

Right now I feel like I'm in a decent place with my grief. I've gone through a lot of stuff in the last few months and through it I've done a lot of soul searching, and am still working on it.

The tattoo I got back in April was a big step in having some closure to everything. There's a post coming up in a couple of weeks that will talk more about that, or you're welcome to read my original tattoo post. Since getting that tattoo I've felt more at peace with everything and while I do still have some sadness, on the whole I'd say I'm doing ok.

Day 4: Legacy - Capture Your Grief - Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Month

I know what a legacy is but I had to look up the actual definition to be sure I understood it correctly and also so I could think about how it relates to my miscarriages and the babies I lost. Truth is, I'm not sure how it applies.

I find legacy to mean that what is left after someone is gone - what they are most remembered for. Based on that definition, and because of the circumstances, I would have to say that they have left behind pain - both emotional and physical - but at the same time there is hope.

So I guess there I have it. The legacy my babies have left behind is hope. Hope for the future, that some day I will have children, and also that some day I will get to meet them.

Day 2: Identity - Capture Your Grief - Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Month

Unfortunately none of my pregnancies made it to a stage where there was any real discussion about their futures. There were no nicknames, only a little wishful thinking about what they might be named. So because I can't really speak to their identity, I'll use this post to talk about my identity and how it has changed since my miscarriages.

Day 1: Sunrise - Capture Your Grief - Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Month

[Picture of this morning's sunrise (hopefully) will go here when I wake up]

There was really no sunrise this morning as it was super foggy. Plus I slept way in because I'm not feeling the best. That said, I have no picture to share today.

Today is Day 1 in CarlyMarie Project Heal's Capture Your Grief Photographic Challenge. If you are participating I would love to follow along in your journey this month as well so feel free to leave your links below!

I already know I won't be doing every single day, but I'm going to try to do a majority of them. You'll be able to find pictures and a blog post for the days I do participate here, as well as pictures on my Instagram.

It's so fitting that Day 1 is a sunrise as it's the very first day of the month and the project. I hope you'll follow me on my journey to bring awareness to Pregnancy/Infant Loss, as well as work through some of my own feelings and thoughts on the subject.